Here I sit. I have consumed 2 Snickers Ice Cream bars.. and am considering making a Quesadilla.
I ate Del Taco earlier, and I am on my 5th 44oz soda.
This is my life.
I do this. This self sabotaging, emotional eating, process addiction, binging thing. My whole life. Sometimes I have a firm grasp on it, and I can rule it with fierce intensity. Other times, I don't. Right now is one of those other times.
My weight goes up and down very similarly to the likes of Kirstie Alley. And like Kirstie, I can make you laugh about it. From bubble butts to muffin tops, I have all the jokes.. and a bag of chips. I use them as my defense mechanism.. as if joking about it will give me forgiveness for being unhealthy. I also do it so that I KNOW, everyone knows, I am overweight.. again.
This fluctuation in weight. This rollercoaster. This demon I battle. Some attribute to yo-yo dieting, hormonal imbalance, a thyroid issue, poor genetics.. Me? I attribute it to my reality, and I honestly can say I hate all those other, as I see them, excuses. It's my choices that lead me here. Mine. I take all the credit.
Regardless..
I am tired.
Tired of almost obtaining my health goals... and then quickly finding myself overweight again. Tired of feeling amazing, and then letting go of that feeling. Tired of looking and feeling like that Hot Mom, to then looking like the cliche Mom that "let herself go".
I can hear some of you now.
You're wanting to lecture me about self worth, self talk, the example I am setting for my daughter, self esteem, the way God sees me, how you don't have to be fit to be loved, how I am fine just the way I am ..and more.. I hear it because I want to give myself the same lectures.. again. I hear it because I GIVE the same lectures. If I happened upon this blog post I would be like, "Hey lady! Self Compassion... blah blah blah..". Trust me. I am a Psychology Major dedicating a whole year of my life and research to Self-Compassion. I would be all over myself.
I am all over myself.
Here is the crazy thing,
I know my worth. I know my self talk. I know the example I need to set for my daughter. I know God loves me deeply. I know I am lovable. I know I am fine. I know all this and that I am fun, witty, kind, and weird... and more.. I do!! But.. I also know I am overweight.
So, here I am. Being VULNERABLE.
Giving myself power.
Fighting this demon publicly.
Hoping you will support me.
And not lecture me.
Just remind me that an Ice Cream Snickers Bar doesn't fix ANY of the reasons and choices that brought me here. And that when I am fit.. I could kick your throat in.
More Posts on my progress of Fighting, what I call the demon Food Dude to come.
Pardon my french, but, I f'ing love you Kaysha. Always have, always will. Thank you for sharing this and all the other things you do. My sister, Katie, and I are always talking about, laughing at, relating to, and loving your posts on almost a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteLove you too Jules. Thank you!
DeleteThank you Kaysha for keeping it real and putting on paper where so many of us are every freakin day of our lives. I am with you in the chub club. Sometimes my yoga pants can be merely for workouts because Im in shape and my jeans actually feel comfy. Then other times, my yoga pants are my staple wardrobe because its the only thing my flubber will fit comfortable in.
ReplyDeleteYes!!! Stretchy pants aren't always jut for fun.
DeleteGreat post... feel like I could have written it myself, as I am on the sugar bandwagon again. I know all of the answers and what I "should" do as well, but have no clue as to why I WONT do what I know is healthy.
ReplyDeleteHere is to more investigations and self evaluations.
I am excited for your blog and your honesty! You are amazing with words, humor and realness. Love your guts!
Oh Kiki. My sister cousin. Thanks for YOUR words. Love you like my cousins wife
ReplyDeleteYou are the most beautiful. Wholey. Every ounce of every inch of your being. I fight the same fight. It's a 15 pound teeter-totter I am always dinking around on. At the low end of it, I feel amazing, beautiful, sexy. At the high end of it I feel unworthy, depressed and tired. Why can't I just be in control of that one thing I want so bad.... I don't know. I wish I had the answers for myself, let alone everyone else on this teeter totter. Maybe I'd be rich too.
ReplyDeleteI do have to say one thing though.... FIVE 44oz. sodas! SO BAD FOR YOU!
sorry, that was the mom in me.
Love you and miss you! Wish we were closer because I could use a friend like you.
I wish you were too.. Soul Sisters. Love you.
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